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Corporate "Strategy" for Linked In

Updated: Feb 10, 2019

From the annals of many moons ago...

So, today Corporate sends the Marketing “Team Leader” and her “Consultant” to talk about employees’ use of “Linked In”. You know the routine. They provide lunch and you get to eat and listen to some corporate, party-line bullshit for an hour. It is obvious to anyone who has worked in one of these national engineering sweat shops that “free” lunch is not free and you are much better off taking your burro or sandwich outside for an hour of semi-peace. Hell, buying lunch for everyone in the department at a five-star restaurant is “free” in comparison. At least all can speak and the bullshit is minimal. But, I’m a slow learner. They go through the typical rah-rah about the benefits of Linked In for the company and the employee, before the fated “company policy” phrase comes raining down. “You wouldn’t want to send an invitation to Mr. Fluke. Nooooooooooo.” Her head is rolling slowly back and forth with that knowing “no fool would ever do such a stupid thing” look. “WE do not send invitations UP. We send invitations horizontally,” Hands down flowing out and very horizontally to the side with “the whole fucking world knows that” look. If you sent an invitation to Mr. Fluke or to your Team Leader, that might create a difficult situation. If, say, they had to let you go and that invitation was on Linked In…well…” There’s that “every dumb fuck knows what would happen then” look. I call it the “Know Your Place” or the “Don’t Be Getting Uppity” policy. “And what about our competitors? Would you want to have them as your contacts on Linked In”? She’s not nodding or shaking. That’s a bad idea in a company meeting. Employees like to know what’s coming and this is more of a “we have a difficult situation…the canary has died and the lights are going out” nod… “Well, it might be good to know what our competitor is doing?” She’s looking over her glasses looking for signs of life in a steadily declining audience. One poor, unsuspecting intern takes the bait and nods. She jumps on that poor girl like a gator on a baby deer. “But wouldn’t they be seeing what you’re doing, TOO?” She’s looking over her glasses, head bobbing up and down with that “well…you sure as shit should have known that” look. “Yes, they might. But we know that most people put their initial information in and only look at the page occasionally after that. Soooooo…if you are an active user…” I jerked awake thinking she was talking about beer or drugs. No such luck. “Then you can keep tabs on your competition and learn what they are doing.” Whoa. Back up. You said they probably posted rarely after they’re initial visit. So, I am spending time on my site per your instructions and this supremely intelligent competitor is gleaning it all at no cost. Honey, you ain’t ever been in the piranha pool. “And WE DO NOT…let me repeat…WE DO NOT send or accept links to previous employees.” Her head is bobbing up and down like a dashboard bobble-head Jesus. “Youuuuuu don’t know why they are no longer employed here. There might be some legal ramification if you are linked to someone who was LET GO. It might be something that WE don’t want to be associated with. Certainly, WE don’t want to give them a recommendation. You don’t have enough information to do that.” So, I have a new attitude after this little talk. I have had my learning hat on…In the office we better know our places. Don’t be dicking around with the Big Dogs. They might want to can your ass and they don’t need it to be all mucked up prior to said canning. For Buddha’s sake, do not associate with those slime-ridden former employees. Who knows what diseases of the mind might lurk in that communication on Linked. AND…(drum roll) don’t trust them stinking competitors. They are lurking out there trying to get all that valuable information on Linked In. Play it close to your chest, boys and grrrls.

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